he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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