I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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