First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
