when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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