i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
