True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
