If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
