she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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