man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I think I am morally bankrupt
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
