We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Randomize
