About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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