Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
