Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
