after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
