i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
