she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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