Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
