Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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