you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The struggles of a small town man whore
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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