just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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