Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
