The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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