if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
