i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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