I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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