just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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