apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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