now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
