There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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