I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
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Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
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I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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