My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
