i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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