I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
