After last night, I could never be a politician.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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