everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
