Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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