I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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