i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
