I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
