I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
