The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
