If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
