Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I fill condoms, not promises.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
