before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
