We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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