Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
