I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
