Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
