You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
