I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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