i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
