my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
