I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
