Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
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