Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
