last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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