update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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