he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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