Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
