can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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