Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
