Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
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Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
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Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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